Mother’s Memories and The Legend of the Dogwood Tree

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Age 4: checking out the bathroom faucet handles of our new house in Ohio.

Sometime before that: putting together a puzzle on the floor at the babysitter’s house and taking a nap in her son’s bed; the candy in the principal’s desk drawer at the school where Mom taught; not a single thing about our own home in Illinois.

Sometime after that: Tuna fish sandwiches and red Kool Aid … spilled on the olive green carpeting … at the new babysitter’s house in Ohio. Nearly everything about the playroom (and the whole house, for that matter) of that same babysitter’s house.

Kool-Aid Man

Kool-Aid Man (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hiding in closets, snooping in my sister’s stuff, reading on the floor by my bedroom door — using the light from down the hall as it peeked through the crack. Going to wait at the corner for my grandparents to arrive from Michigan. Setting the table. Little Debbies in the middle drawer. Pepsi (and Tab) in glass bottles in the garage. Summer days … housework, swimming at the quarry in Bettsville, reading on my bed until dinner. The smell of clean sheets and the silky on my blanket.

I was originally going to write about my lack of childhood memories. I feel like I don’t have many … until I start writing them! My brain is coming undone just remembering.

My mom’s 75th birthday was this week and my sister and I had the pleasure of traveling with her to Michigan. We had breakfast together before heading across the border, then explored Monroe, where Mom’s relatives had lived (she showed us their houses — she could even remember house numbers and street names!). We saw a monument with the names of Dad’s relatives who had come from France to Canada, then south to settle Michigan.

Early map of North America

Early map of North America (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We explored the cemetery where Mom’s relatives are buried, taking pictures of headstones and listening to her stories.

2013-05-08 023 (640x480)

I had to carry a pad of paper and take notes … she remembers everything! She told story after story! She remembers names and dates and addresses and who she was with and what they did. She knows who married whom and can even tell the stories from her in-laws’ families.

From Monroe, we traveled “the scenic route” (remembering Dad) from Monroe to Adrian. She had memories from there too. “Ooh, we did a lot of partying in this town!” “This is where Aunt Alice (Ford Collins) taught me to play euchre.” She made me laugh.

Lunch at The Croswell Tea Room

We had lunch at The Governor Croswell Tea Room in Adrian, then an unexpected tour of the Croswell Theater next door. Yet another memory: my grandmother (her mother-in-law) played her violin there at one point. (How does she know this stuff?!?)

All of this makes me wonder what my own children will remember from their childhoods. What I’m lacking from my own are the memories I want to have. I can’t remember my mother reading to me, although I’m sure she did. I don’t ever remember cuddling up with her. I don’t remember being tucked in. I can’t remember her teaching me to write my name  or holding my hand to cross a street.

Why do I hang onto these memories that I don’t have?!? I don’t remember feeling this way until more recently as I’ve listened to hers.

Maybe I fear that the effort I put into my parenting won’t be remembered by my children. Maybe I’m afraid they won’t have those memories of me either.

Maybe I’m afraid that I used to have these memories but forgot them, and might forget more? Maybe I’m afraid I didn’t understand the importance of “remembering” until now, and now it’s too late to remember those kinds of memories.

I’m not going to over-analyze this. I don’t know what this is all about and I’m just going to leave it at that … because … #1 – I can’t change it. And #2 – I have today’s memories.

From yesterday’s trip, I will remember: holding mom’s hand (“while you still know who I am”) as we strolled in St. Joseph’s Cemetery; the story of the pine tree that’s now carved into a replica of St. Joseph; the taste of the artichoke from their quiche; dancing with my sister on stage at The Croswell Theater; and … of all things, the story of the dogwood tree.

This woman filled with family history and so many memories also has the uncanny ability to remember other random stuff as well. As we drove through town, I asked what kind of trees we were seeing. She thought they were dogwoods, and proceeded to tell us the Legend of the Dogwood Tree. She couldn’t remember how she knew it, but it was the first time I had heard it. I can’t remember her reading to me as a child, but I’ll always remember her telling me this story as an adult.

Proverbs 31:26 – She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is always on her tongue.

I imagine that 20 years from now, when we celebrate her 95th, the memories from yesterday will mean more to me than anything from my childhood. Such wonderful memories I will have of my mom, and they’ll always be triggered now by the sight of a dogwood tree.

In case you’re not familiar with the story, you can follow this link for one version: http://faithjourneybiblestudies.com/be-sharing-2/inspirational-stories-for-your-journey/legend-of-the-dogwood-tree/

Please share in the comment section: Do you fear memory loss? What is one memory from your childhood that you cherish? What is one thing you’ll always remember about your mother? 

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I love you.

~ Courageous Jane

Tornado Season Causes Fear

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Can we all just agree right now that storms are scary?!?

English: A tornado with no visible condensatio...

And some storms are scarier than others. We had a really bad storm in Ohio and neighboring states on June 29th, 2012. It was the first time I heard of the weather term “derecho.” At 4:00 in the afternoon on a lovely summer day, the sky turned black and the winds started. We had sustained straightline 90 mph winds, and rain. It was the first time in the history of our living in this house, over 9 years, that we actually used our “storm shelter” (behind the pantry, under the stairs). Although our power rarely does anything more than blink during a storm, this time it went out completely. We actually needed flashlights in the house at 4:00 on a summer afternoon!

2012-06-29 Storm Aftermath June 29, 2012 tree broken - Copy

When it was all said and done, our governor declared Ohio to be in a state of emergency. Although we live out in the country, our closest town was a complete wreck. So many trees and power lines littered the roadways, it was impossible to get from one location to another easily. We immediately loaded up our truck with the chainsaw and other tools, gloves, water bottles, the kids, and we headed out. We had to stop to cut up trees just to get to town. (I felt like a pioneer!)

One of the most interesting sights was my front porch covered with pine needles … We don’t have any pine trees!

Why do I tell you so many details about a “derecho” in a post about tornadoes? I tell you because it was the scariest storm I’ve ever lived through.

And that’s the point. We lived. That storm, as scary as it was, and despite causing an enormous amount of destruction and leaving thousands without power for more than a week in sweltering July heat and humidity … it didn’t take any lives and it left homes standing. There were quite a few with trees on the inside of houses when they used to be on the out, but the houses were still standing. Yes, there was devastation, but it was mostly just to trees. Not homes, and not lives. Somehow, there seemed to be an umbrella of protection covering so many homes and lives in the scariest of moments that summer.

Let me be clear … many, many houses were “damaged.” It took months and months to get repairs taken care of. But they were not flattened … not like the destruction caused by a tornado. I’ve seen that, too.

Again, it was the scariest storm I’ve ever experienced … and it wasn’t even a tornado.

So now, tornado season has returned, and the spring winds are a-blowin’.

Thankfully, God worked on my heart (and mind) after that derecho, and I have a better perspective going into this season than years past and I hope my perspective will help you “weather the storms.”

I’m glad to report that I prayed and praised God before, during, and after that scary storm. Unfortunately, not once during that time did I recall “the storm” … (Mark 4:35). The NIV version called it “a furious squall.” It nearly swamped the boat the disciples were in, with waves crashing over the sides. And there was Jesus in the midst of it, waking from his sleep to command the wind and the waves … “Quiet! Be still!”

Get ready now, folks! Here it comes …

And then … Jesus asked the disciples, “Why are you so afraid?”

And then … he asked them, “Do you still have no faith?”

How much time had they spent with Him, listening to His wise words and witnessing miracles?

After 2000 years, we now scoff at the idea. “Come on, guys! Jesus is in the boat with you! You, of all people, have no reason to fear!”

Today, because we can’t see him there, we must depend on our faith to remind us that Jesus is with us, and that just as surely as a storm will start, he will also bring it to an end.

That thought alone is enough to bring me a sense of calm … the storm will end.

We might have to bail a lot of water out of the boat afterward, but we can ride out the storm, knowing in our hearts that Jesus is by our side, ready to bring calm with a few simple words … when He is good and ready.

A tornado might come through, and it might cause destruction and heartbreak. But God has a special way of following storms with sunshine and rainbows and goodness and healing. It all happens according to His timing, but it does happen.

Storms will probably still be a weakness for me. No matter how at peace I pretend to be for the kids’ sake, my insides are usually quaking. I hope that during the next one, I will be able to envision Jesus standing in that rocking, water-logged boat, commanding the storm to STOP! And if I can do that, maybe Jesus won’t have to ask me “Do you still have no faith?” Please, Lord … please increase my faith!

Are you afraid of storms? Do you have any secrets for coping with them? Please share, and help others to overcome this very real fear.

Cha Cha Cha!

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Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s a cha-cha.” ~ Robert Brault

After a frustrating day yesterday, I’ve been trying to get back to a positive frame of mind today. I tend to be an optimist, and don’t feel like myself when I’m focused on the negative aspects of a situation. This quote was just what I needed. I’m dancing. I’ve always loved to dance and I plan to keep dancing forever.

Ball gown and tailcoat are always worn when da...

Yesterday I had an appointment with a specialized neurosurgeon. I thought it was one step forward, but maybe it was one step back. We drove 4 hours roundtrip, and waited for 2 hours in the waiting room and exam room, told his nurse all the same things that I had spent hours handwriting on the 11 page form they mailed to me and that some kind of assistant had already come in and reviewed with me as she put the answers into the computer. The neurosurgeon then came in and spoke to me for about 5 minutes (asking me some of the same questions again but rushing on to the next question before I could fully answer the first), then he took me to a room where we could look at my images. He told me nothing new, gave me no new understandings, and didn’t give me any indication that there was a good reason for why I had been referred to him.

Of all the things I had thought to ask him ahead of time, I had no reason to ask those questions, and the one thing I should have asked — “Why do you think the other neurosurgeon felt it was important to refer me to you?” — I didn’t think of until the ride home.

This doctor has ordered more MRI and X-ray images and then wants to see me again. We’ll see. I have more research to do. My plan for now is to get the images made, and I’ve already placed a call to the first neurosurgeon’s office to ask about why he referred me on. Those two things will give me a few more answers so I can choose my next step. I just got off the phone with the first neurosurgeon’s office and have a better understanding of why I need to go elsewhere. I was encouraged to do my own research so I know what questions I want to ask next time, and I can find my own referrals if I want to go elsewhere.

When it comes to dancing, it’s important to know what your next step will be. I’ve taken the appropriate steps forward, but dancing is never a matter of all forward steps. Dancing requires backward steps, side-steps, some complete turn-arounds, and occasionally you get to do a joyous twirl, and end with a sexy dip!

Dance

My goal is to keep on dancing. This is a new dance for me, so I’m still learning the steps, but the hope is that it will be worth all the hard work in the end.

Cha cha cha!

~ Jane

*Note: I do have confirmation that I have a condition called “platybasia” which is a flattening of the base of the skull (which could be putting pressure on my spinal cord), basilar impression, and a Chiari-type pseudo tonsillar descent. That means my cerebellum hangs low. (Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?) Oh, and my C-1 is fused to my skull.

English: Image of a Type 1 Arnold-Chiari Malfo...

Thank you, my good God, for giving me a curious mind and for helping me to conquer the fears that in the past might’ve kept me from pursuing this new adventure. Thank you, also, for allowing some really smart people to develop the internet and Google, giving me access to information that would’ve been nearly impossible for a lay person to learn just a few years ago. Thank you for my computer, and for my superhero husband (and dance partner) who is carrying me through it all! Amen.

Undaunted

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I recently received some daunting news about my health. Well, not my health so much as my body. My head, specifically.

After a few years of dealing with headaches and a myriad of other pains associated with  my neck region, trying medicines, physical therapy, and chiropractors, and lots of prayer, my family doctor recently ordered an MRI of my cervical spine. When she received the results a few days later, she called to tell me she was referring me to a local neurosurgeon.

A neurosurgeon?? Not a neurologist? She reassured me, saying “Not because I think you need surgery, but I want to get his opinion and see about some specialized therapy.” Ok. That sounds better. Not scary at all. I’ll take that.

To make a long story short, the local neurosurgeon gave me more daunting news: he can’t help me! (I didn’t even actually see him, but he saw my images and radiology reports. I met with his nurse practitioner, and she was knowledgeable.) They referred me to a more specialized neurosurgeon in a major city at a major medical center.

At the local neurosurgeon’s office, I had the opportunity to look at my MRI images. What I saw was disheartening. Apparently my cerebellum is skinny dipping in my foramen magnum, and my spinal cord is kinky.

You heard me right. The formen magnum is the hole at the base of the skull that allows the spinal cord to pass through from the brain to the spine. The cerebellum usually has a nice butt shape to it and sits above the foramen magnum, leaving a wedge-shaped space filled with cerebrospinal fluid. Not mine! Mine is dipping down into that space, plugging it up. That’s at the back of the brain, at the bottom.

Opposite that, on the other side of the spinal cord, there’s a nice kink. These two events together are kind of squishing my spinal cord, I think. Yeah, that kind of explains those darn headaches, doesn’t it?

Would you be daunted by this news? I surely was, at first.

But, I’m here to tell you that God is so good!

Back in July, I received an excerpt from a book called “Undaunted” by Christine Caine. For seven months, this booklet has floated around my house, hiding in piles of papers, and riding in a variety of bags. I didn’t have a single urge to read this booklet until the day I learned about what is going on in my head, and even then I didn’t think of it on my own. But as I sorted papers the next day, I stumbled across that booklet.

God’s timing surpasses anything I could ever plan. When God says “Read” … I read!

While reading this book, I was immediately reminded that God knit me together this way … on purpose, for a purpose.

Psalm 139: 13-16

 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

According to Ephesians 2:10, God crafted my head according to His specifications, and God doesn’t make mistakes! He has work He wants me to do, and He’ll equip me to do it according to His plans.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

It is my job to bring each of my thoughts into alignment with what I know of God. I will not be daunted by this situation. I will be courageous. I will stand tall and strong and face each day knowing that God has a plan for the work He wants me to do. He hasn’t promised that everything will be easy or problem-free, but He has promised to never leave me and on that I will stand.

I will be undaunted.

The Tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut

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Please visit my other blog, Courageous Jane Homeschools, for my thoughts on the tragic shooting of 26 people in Newtown, Connecticut that took place Friday, December 14, 2012. That blog normally takes a lighthearted look at Homeschooling from A – Z. However, in light of this event, I felt the need to address some of my thoughts on that suffering. And after writing it, as I proofread it and discovered what was in me, I felt it was also what I would’ve written (in a slightly different format) on this blog.

Blessings to you all,

~ Courageous Jane

http://www.courageousmama.wordpress.com